Hello friends, readers, and any confused person who stumbled across this while looking for a recipe. Welcome to Neurodiversity Celebration Week, also known in my house as “finally the week I stop apologising for liking teddy bears and being late with emails.”
This post is about what being autistic is really like for me. Not the stereotype, not the media drama, but the everyday, the meltdown-y, the hyperfocusy, and the “yes I forgot to eat again” reality of being a late-diagnosed, science-loving, bedding-hoarding, professor-level autistic woman.
The “In Spite Of” Myth
Let’s start here ….
Please don’t tell me, “It’s amazing what you’ve achieved in spite of being autistic.” No. Not it!
Autism is not some clingy side character I’ve heroically overcome. It is me!!!
My brain, my logic, my ability to spot patterns no one else sees, my love of detective storylines (shout out to The Bill, my original special interest), my utter obsession with making things make sense. That’s not “in spite of autism.” That’s because of it.
I was made a Chair at a Russell Group university well before I hit 40! So I’m doing great Thank you. I made it …. thanks to being autistic. Not despite it!!!
Meltdowns & Sensory Overload: It’s Not Just Crying
When life gets too much, too noisy, too bright, too unexpected, I melt.
Meltdowns for me look like serious crying. The kind where my face forgets how to stop leaking. When life was really tough, I’d scratch my arms, not deep, just enough to show up on my ghost-white geek skin. It’s not dramatic. It’s not performative. It’s pain!!!!
It’s caused by sensory overload or something unexpected wrecking my mental blueprint. And no, it’s not “unprofessional.” It’s a system crash. You can’t stop it. You have to ride it out.
What helps? Space. Time. No audience.
Once it passes, I recalibrate. I build a new plan. I’m actually quite brilliant at that because I’ve had to be!!!
Masking, Melting, and Moving On
I’m really good at masking. Years of it. But these days, unless I absolutely have to, I don’t. Because why should I?
Masking is exhausting. It’s like running a Windows emulator on a MacBook with 80 tabs open. And now I know I’m autistic, I don’t feel like I need to run that emulation software anymore because my brain isn’t broken. It’s just got its own OS.
Diagnosis: The Rollercoaster of Realisation
I was diagnosed late. And honestly, the journey was a wild emotional Ferris wheel of “oh wow” and “oh no.” At first, I was scared. Then I was angry. Then I was amazed. Other people do this too?
I’d spent years kicking myself for being “too much” or “too weird” or “not good enough.” Turns out, I wasn’t broken. I was just autistic and unlabelled. Getting the diagnosis meant taking the pressure off. My brain started to breathe. And since then, I’ve thrived.
Executive Dysfunction & Demand Avoidance: AKA Why That Thing Isn’t Done Yet
I have epic levels of demand avoidance and executive dysfunction. If something doesn’t excite me, it’s basically kryptonite. Doing it feels physically painful.
At my worst, when bullying was rife, I survived by doing one thing I could control, buying new towels and bedding. Every week. Was it practical? No. Did I end up with an awesome bedding collection? Yes. And no regrets.
To-do lists? Nope. Doesn’t work. Neurotypical tools don’t plug into my system. I’ve got my own methods now. They’re not pretty, but they get the job done. Usually.
Food, Water, and Forgetting I’m a Human Being
I regularly forget to eat and drink. Not on purpose. My brain just doesn’t remind me. I’ll go all day without realising, then crash in the evening and wonder why I feel like a dehydrated raisin.
I survive mostly on one big late dinner and minimal drinks during high-stress periods. I work hard to manage it, but honestly, I’m still terrible at it. Alarms help. Snacks help. Teddy bears reminding me might help more.
Special Interests & Comfort Zones
My first clue? I had an intense special interest in The Bill as a kid. I made posters. Apparently, that’s not “normal.” But honestly, it was just me diving into the detective plots like my life depended on it. Fast-forward to today, I’m a professor in digital forensics. Coincidence? I think not.
I also love teddy bears. Not as an autistic trait, just me being me. Sci-fi too. And no, the sci-fi stuff doesn’t belong to a man. It belongs to this geeky girl right here.
Reading People Is Hard, Teddy Bears Are Easier
I struggle to read humans. Most of what I know comes from years of mirroring, categorising, and pattern-spotting. It works. Kind of. But honestly, teddy bears are so much easier. They don’t say one thing and mean another.
Sound, Silence, and Why Coffee Shops Are War Zones
I can’t separate sounds. That cup clatter behind you? It’s just as loud as your voice to me. I sometimes wear Loop earplugs, and yes, it’s weird. I didn’t know this wasn’t everyone’s experience until far too late.
I also can’t “see” things in my mind. I think in sounds and logic. So if I forget your face unless I know and care about you deeply, it’s not personal. It’s just how my brain visualises the world, like an audiobook with no illustrations.
Object Permanence: Now You See It, Now I Forget It Exists
Out of sight means out of mind. That includes people, chocolate, appointments, friendships. Not because I don’t care, because I literally forget. It makes keeping in touch hard. When people die, I grieve on a weird timescale. It comes in waves when I remember, raw all over again.
Hyperfocus & Repeats: Tigger Brain Activated
If I love something, I hyperfocus. It’s magical. I dive in headfirst, whether it’s a project, a person, or a TV show. And yes, I will rewatch the same show 12 times or loop the same song all day. That’s how my brain chills out.
Emotions, Love, and Disney Feminism
I can’t categorise my emotions well. I usually just know I feel great, off, or meh. But I’ve learned that’s okay. These are my emotions. They don’t need to map neatly to anyone else’s.
Love? I know I’m capable. My self-relationship has shifted massively since diagnosis, which changed how I connect with friends, family, and my partner. And yes, I’m a feminist who still believes Prince Charming is out there. Probably drinking tea and overthinking!!!
Taste, Texture, and the Great Spice Divide
Your definition of spicy is not mine. I stick to repeat meals and plainer foods because textures are a whole complicated thing. I’m apparently more adventurous than some because I forced myself to be for years, thinking I was the problem. Late diagnosis strikes again.
Female Autism, AuDHD, and Why I’m Not Bothered About Labels
Female autism can look very different to male presentations. There’s a strong chance I’m AuDHD based on testing. Do I need another label? Not really. I’ve found peace in knowing. Now it’s all about managing life in ways that work for me.
Justice, Rules, and “Isn’t That Just Reasonable?”
People say a strong sense of justice is a neurodiverse trait. But honestly, shouldn’t everyone want clear rules and fair punishment? Maybe the real question is, why don’t neurotypicals feel this way?
So What’s the Takeaway?
I’m autistic. That means I’m wired differently, not broken ….
- It’s been a journey, from late diagnosis, to meltdowns, to hyperfocus, to building a life and career that actually works for me.
- I don’t need to be fixed. I just need you to understand that my brain is like a highly specialised operating system. It’s brilliant, if occasionally buggy around loud coffee shops and to-do lists.
- Autism doesn’t make me less of a person. It makes me exactly the person I am. And honestly? I like her … I like her a lot!