International Women’s Day always makes me pause for a moment. Not in the “stand on a stage and deliver inspirational wisdom” sense… more the slightly quieter “cup of tea and a bit of thinking” version. Around this time of year the internet fills up with advice about confidence, leadership, and how women should navigate their careers.
A lot of it is thoughtful and well meant, although if I’m being honest the most useful things I’ve learned never arrived as neat pieces of advice. They arrived gradually, occasionally painfully, and usually much later than would have been convenient.This year’s theme is Give to Gain, which I like a great deal because it recognises a simple concept.
Many of the things that help us along the way are not dramatic moments or grand gestures. They are small pieces of honesty shared by someone who has already walked a similar path. Sometimes the most valuable thing you can give someone else is the reassurance that the strange experience they are having is not unique, and that things do eventually improve.
Lately I’ve found myself reflecting quite a bit on how things have unfolded. Looking back, the younger version of me was navigating some fairly complicated situations without much context or confidence. When you look back from a little further down the road you start to see how those moments shaped the things you care about now… how you teach, how you build teams, how you approach mental health in difficult professions, and why curiosity and humour still appear in your work even when the subject matter is serious. So rather than pretending I have everything figured out, I thought I would share a few things that took me rather longer than they should have to understand.
Being different was never the problem
For quite a long time I assumed the sensible goal of professional development was to become a slightly more acceptable version of myself. Advice would arrive about how problems should be approached or how teaching should be structured, and much of that advice came from men older than me who were very confident in explaining how things ought to be done.The interesting thing is that the moments where I quietly ignored that advice and followed what actually worked for my brain were the moments when things started to flourish. Teaching that openly acknowledged mental health resonated strongly with students who had never seen that perspective in a technical discipline. Being slightly quirky instead of strictly conventional created an atmosphere where curiosity felt welcome rather than inconvenient. Building Sherfox around enthusiasm, curiosity, and people rather than hierarchy brought together individuals who genuinely enjoy building things together.
Looking back now the pattern seems obvious. The more closely I followed the way my brain naturally works, the better the outcomes became. The difference I once worried about turned out not to be the obstacle at all.
Shrinking rarely solves the problem
Earlier in my career there were also many opinions about how I should present myself if I wanted to be taken seriously. Advice appeared about clothing, behaviour, role models, professional image. The message was rarely stated outright but it was always there in the background: if you do not fit the mould, things will not go well for you.For quite a while those voices lingered. Even after moving into a second senior advisory position I could still hear echoes of those expectations. Eventually something clicked in a rather liberating way. I realised I was never going to be quite right for some people in that organisation, and more importantly I did not particularly want to be.The comparison that came to mind was Elle Woods in Legally Blonde. She does not succeed by transforming into someone else, she succeeds by leaning fully into who she already is. The right environments do not spend their time pouring water on your light. They create the conditions where that light becomes useful.
Keeping your voice matters more than winning the moment
There have been many times where I found myself raising concerns that others preferred to dismiss. When behaviour is uncomfortable but subtle, it is surprisingly easy for people to describe it as coincidence or misunderstanding. One moment that stayed with me involved pointing out that a colleague never used my academic title while happily using it when introducing male colleagues. When I mentioned it I was told I was imagining things. However the next time it happened it was like people heard it for the first time. With a look of shock they jumped in to help. I realised then and there that it wasn’t malicious they just hasn’t seen the issue.
Experiences like that can make anyone question their instincts, especially when the surrounding voices insist nothing unusual is happening. What I gradually realised is that speaking up is rarely about winning that moment. The real impact appears later when someone else quietly says they noticed the same thing.Mental health in digital forensics followed exactly that pattern. For years people carried the emotional impact of the work in silence. Once a few voices started talking about it openly, others recognised themselves in those conversations and the discussion grew into a community determined to improve things. Sometimes the voice that feels alone is simply the first one.
Pushback is not always a sign to stop
Occasionally I still receive comments suggesting that my work is too applied or too operational for academic spaces. I tend to smile slightly when that happens, mostly because the same approach led to becoming a professor at thirty-six and opened doors to councils and advisory groups where decisions about the field are made.Pushback can come from many places. Some of it is thoughtful criticism that deserves careful consideration. Some of it appears because change makes people uncomfortable. Sometimes it happens simply because doing things differently unsettles people who are used to familiar patterns.Listening carefully is always sensible. Stopping automatically is not.
Permission rarely arrives if you simply wait
Earlier in my career I had become quite cautious about trying new ideas. Difficult experiences had left me second-guessing myself and quietly waiting for reassurance that something was the right thing to do.Moving to Southampton changed that mindset. I began to realise that many of the things that now matter most in my work only exist because someone decided to try something slightly unusual rather than waiting for approval first. Sherfox grew in that environment, not because anyone formally asked for it but because curiosity and opportunity lined up and it felt worth exploring. The moment I stopped waiting for reassurance and trusted my own judgement a little more, new possibilities started appearing.
Sometimes the most important step forward is simply deciding to begin.
Rest is not something you earn
For years I treated rest as something that happened once the work was finished. The problem with that logic is that the work is never finished.At one point I collapsed during a lecture because I had simply kept going for too long. Even that did not immediately convince me to change my habits.Eventually I realised that rest is not a reward for productivity. It is basic maintenance for a human brain and body.
Once I started taking breaks and actually listening to the signals my body was sending, life improved in ways I had not expected. I was healthier, happier, and oddly enough producing better work.
You cannot solve everything
Some people watched difficult moments in my career and said nothing. Others offered support when it mattered. A few appeared later asking for help once things were going well. By then I had limited time and realised I needed to focus where I could be useful and what were the best places for me to support.
Experiences like that teach you something important about boundaries. It is not possible to fix every situation or help every person who asks.These days I focus on doing what is right for ECS, for Sherfox, for my team, and for myself. Protecting your energy allows you to keep doing the work that genuinely matters.
Find people who understand how your brain works
Sherfox exists largely because of this lesson. Working with people who enjoy curiosity, who ask unusual questions, who are comfortable exploring strange ideas creates an environment where creativity thrives.When the right group of minds comes together, energy that once went into explaining differences suddenly goes into building things together.Those environments are rare, which makes them worth protecting.
If you have a voice, use it
Mental health in digital forensics matters deeply to me because the profession carries emotional weight that many people outside it never see.If you happen to be in a position where your voice travels further, using it to highlight those realities can help others feel less isolated. Leadership is not only about reaching a position of influence. It is about using that position to improve conditions for the people who come next.
Joy belongs in serious work
The work I do often deals with complex investigations and difficult topics. None of that means the environment around the work must be joyless.Cyberly exists partly because learning becomes far more powerful when curiosity and humour are allowed into the room. Students engage more deeply when teaching feels alive rather than rigid.
Creativity tends to appear when people feel comfortable enough to explore ideas.There is also a small personal ambition to one day chase an Ig Nobel, because science should occasionally be allowed to laugh at itself.
You deserve joy in life as well
This final lesson took me rather longer than it should have!
High-achieving people become very good at focusing on work, responsibility and …. progress. It becomes easy to forget that life is supposed to contain joy as well.The kind of relationship I now recognise as worth having feels a little like the dynamic between Jack and Sam in Stargate SG-1. Someone who ia different to me, but we compliment each other with enough overlap conversation is easy. Someone who enjoys long walks and unusual adventures. Someone who lights up when you walk into the room. Someone who is proud to stand beside you rather than quietly competing with you. Someone who has their own life and respects yours, and who let’s you champion them while championning you in return.
Comfortable companionship is pleasant. Genuine joy is so much better! I would rather be alone than settle, because I deserve joy, not just career success.
A final thought
None of these lessons are revolutionary. They are simply things that took me longer than I would have liked to understand.
If sharing them helps someone else feel a little less alone or a little more confident about following their own path, then that feels like a fitting way to contribute to Give to Gain.
Most of us are still figuring things out as we go …. which may be exactly how it is supposed to work.
